Cuckolding is often seen from the outside as a kink founded in humiliation and inadequacy, but the reality is far different for most couples actively involved in it.
Cuckolding takes the foundation of a stable, loving relationship and extends it to include one or more people who play a specific, sexual role within the relationship.
Contrary to popular myth (especially as expressed through porn), sexual inadequacy is only a significant factor in a minority of cuckold couples. For most couples, sharing is a loving way to expand the boundaries of their relationship and safely explore a more natural approach to human sexuality and relationships.
Definition – what is cuckolding
Historically, the term cuckold refers to a man who was unknowingly cheated on by his wife. Don’t get too hung up on that, though. The modern-day cuckold – who’s not necessarily a cisgender or heterosexual male – is fully aware and heartily approves of their partner’s affairs.
There are different forms of cuckolding and nearly everywhere you look, there is a different definition. But the two basic differences in cuckolding is that in one form it refers to a marriage or relationship where the one partner cheats on the other without their knowledge. The other type of cuckolding is cuckold fetish or cuckold submission where the cuck is fully aware of his partners activities and usually fully supportive of such activities. This type of fetish is very common in a relationship involving domination and submission.
List of terms/roles and definition
A search for the term cuckold on the internet results in a plethora of articles all with a slightly different slant. Because of the myth related to cuckolding and sexual inadequacy, various terms have been defined for those that want to experience the kink but are concerned about being called a cuckold. But what do some of the terms really mean? Here are a few of the definitions:
Hotwife: a woman who has sex with other men outside of her primary relationship.
Vixen: a woman who is having extramarital sex with her partner’s support.
Cuckold: a man who derives pleasure from having his female partner have erotic/sexual encounters with other men.
Stag: a man who encourages his female partner to have sex with others, either in his presence, or on her own.
Cuckqueen: is a female who derives pleasure from having her male partner have erotic/sexual encounters wih other women.
Bull: a man who joins a woman for sexual encounters (not her primary partner).
Cuckcake: a women who joins a man for sexual encounters.
Hotwife relationship vs. Cuckold relationship
The difference between a hotwife relationship and a cuck relationship is similar to the comparison of a bull to a Dom – the difference is primarily the depth to which this experience is explored. A hotwife couple is one where sharing her is more a ‘hobby’ of booty call sex. A cuckold marriage is more invested in the exploration of D/s dynamics within the sharing.
Is it just for men?
The vast majority of porn is related to the male cuckold fantasy. That is the wife taking other partners with the husband in the submissive role. This assumes only men want to be cucked, but those desires aren’t specific to gender or sexuality.
And FYI, the “cuckoldress,” or the person having the sex, isn’t always a woman, and the third party, also known as the “bull,” isn’t always a man.
The reality is cuckolding applies to any couple in a stable relationship, where one party has sex with other partners outside the relationship. In the kink scenario, this is with the knowledge, consent, encouragement and in some cases, the active participation of the partner
Why do people enjoy cuckolding
Like any kink, there are several possible variables at play, including biological and social factors. The reasons behind the enjoyment vary between the roles, too.There are a number of reasons why someone may be turned on by their partner having sex with someone else, including:
A biological urge referred to as the “sperm competition theory” may play a role in the desire to be cucked. That’s if the cuck is someone with a penis, of course.
In these scenarios, some research suggests that watching your partner with another man prompts a biological response to have longer and more vigorous sex.
This urge often results in the cuck ejaculating harder, having more sperm in their ejaculate, and having a shorter refractory period between erections so they’re ready to go at it again a lot sooner.
Part of this is the idea of “reclaim sex”, taking back the partner to reclaim them after their encounter with their other partner. After a Hotwife has been ‘taken’ and ‘owned’ by a Bull, her partner then ‘takes’ them back. As it suggests, reclaiming is a way for a husband to attempt to assert his alpha position over the Bull. Needless to say, Cuckolds don’t get to reclaim their Hotwives, so reclaiming is generally limited to the Stag/Vixen flavour of Hotwifing.
Knowing someone else wants your partner can kick your desire into overdrive.
Sexual jealousy can be intense, motivating, and pretty arousing. Some researchers think that jealousy is also a part of what fuels sperm competition and gets a male ready to fight for the fertilisation win.
There’s actually a word for the joyful feeling that a person has when his or her lover or spouse walks through the door after spending the afternoon making love to his or her new girlfriend or boyfriend: compersion. Compersion is such a novel concept that you won’t even find the word in the dictionary (unless you look in the Urban dictionary).
Feeling all warm and gooey because your spouse had a great time having sex with someone else is not something we’re programmed to feel. We can be thrilled for our partner if they get a raise or promotion or receive some kind of unexpected windfall, but why can’t we be happy for our partners who find joy in bed with someone else?
So, compersion is the flipside of jealousy; it’s the happiness you feel seeing your partner happy.
The word’s often used by people in polyamorous relationships to describe the feeling they get seeing their partner courting someone else.
In the world of cuckolding, the happy feels come from seeing your partner being sexually satisfied by another.
If porn is to be believed (and why wouldn’t we) humiliation seems to play a leading role in cuckolding. It comes from the ridicule a person is likely to feel when their partner cheats on them.
For some, humiliation ramps up the erotic intensity of the act, significantly. This can come from watching their partner with someone else, or some extra humiliation thrown in for good measure, like being laughed at or belittled by their partner and the Bull. Performing ‘clean up’ duty after the sexual encounter. Oral servicing of their partner during the act or being instructed to orally service the Bull.
For others, humiliation doesn’t even factor in because, while par for the course in real infidelity, cuckolding between consenting adults removes — or at the very least dulls — it for some.
The cuck is essentially submitting to their partner and consenting to someone else taking over their role in the bedroom.
The pleasure comes from giving up that power of sexually pleasing your partner over to someone else.
The taboo factor
It’s no secret that culture idealises monogamy. So, even though cuckolding is a common fantasy, it’s still considered taboo to share your partner with another. And who doesn’t like to be naughty and break the rules once in a while?
Cuckolding can be a great way of strengthening communication in a relationship, as it requires honesty from both partners about what they enjoy, what they don’t and what their boundaries are if they do feel jealous or uncomfortable. Couples who have tried cuckolding often report that it strengthens the bond between them, as they’re able to trust each other and talk openly about their desires, wants and needs.
The emotions in cuck relationships are usually complex and can be at times intense. Rather than one single reason for enjoying it the reality is that the various aspects can trigger an intense emotional response that is different for every person.
How to talk about it with your partner?
One of the biggest challenges for many men is our cultural idea that masculinity requires control. And in this case, it requires the control of our partner’s sexual autonomy. So much so that the thought of “letting” our partners kiss (let alone fuck) another man brings about an instant feeling of inadequacy and shame. But those same feelings often spike our arousal at the same time.
Being able to talk about these urges means overcoming that challenge and being open about those feelings. Like most things, honesty is the best place to begin. But in this case, it’s important to be transparent as well. If honesty means you tell the truth, transparent means you tell the whole truth.
The key to starting this conversation is honesty and transparency. Even oversharing if you will because the more you tell, the easier it will be for your partner to gain a clear sense of what’s going on. Remember, they might be as nervous and insecure as you are about it.
So tell them about a time you thought about the fantasy. Let them know when you first realized it was a turn-on and how it made you feel at the time. (Note, this is not a time for lurid details.) Share the scenarios that sound hot to you, and don’t forget to keep it in the realm of fantasy. In fact, the first activity I suggest is just that: a fantasy.
Avoid the temptation to push them off the ledge and ask them to fulfill your fantasy without knowing what it is. Remember, it was your idea, so you have to do most of the work.
How do you practice cucking responsibly?
A couple taking the step of including another in a sexual role within their marriage does need to ensure their health, safety and marital well-being, but if one simple rule is applied and consciously adhered to, all of these elements can be accounted for without needlessly limiting themselves.
Lacking practical experience and/or guidance, couples typically presume to establish boundaries and rules which are impractical or needlessly limiting. It is counter-productive to choose sexual exploration and then limit that exploration from the start when the true goal of boundaries should simply be safety and marital security. This simple rule helps couples navigate what’s healthy by applying a simple test: does the choice, activity, experience and/or outcome strengthen or weaken their marital wellbeing?
The choices, experiences, and outcomes that benefit and strengthen a couple’s bonds can vary greatly from couple to couple which is why specific boundaries are so ineffective. For some couples, a form of denial known as exclusivity can greatly enhance the emotional and mental rewards one or both partners seek out of this experience while others require a more moderate approach to forms of denial (like chastity).
If you do decide to live out a cuck fantasy, you’ll naturally need one extra person and a lot of courage. There isn’t really one way that your cuck fantasy might go down, but in truth, these encounters can be as varied as any other kind of kink. A quick search of dating sites shows couples who are looking for anything from ‘horny guys in uniform’ to a simple ‘porn star cock’ or the more detailed ‘verbally abusive dom top hunk who’s looking for married couples to worship him.’ Good news for potential cuckolders – if you fancy being the extra in someone else’s fantasy there are lots of couples out there who’d love to have you. Standard threesome rules apply here, such as ‘be nice’ and ‘no means no’ but alongside these, it’s also worth clarifying with the couple exactly how they see things going down. Will the wife, husband or partner just be watching? or will they get involved, offering suggestions or directing the action? If you’re part of the couple, clarify all these things with your third before you get started – there’s nothing more awkward than you chipping in with suggestions like an enthusiastic threesome director if they’d planned for you to stay quiet.
In all things though take your time to ensure the other person has the right intentions and aligns with your fantasy. It can mean trouble if the couple wants to explore the softer side of the cuck relationship, but the other person desires the extreme humiliation of the cuck.
In my view, cuckolding is the most effective and enjoyable when practised as a threesome. This means that those who are primarily having random hook-ups with different people or primarily meet their boyfriend or girlfriend away from the home are missing out on some of the best experiences in cuckolding.
Many couples new to the sharing lifestyle are initially very intimidated by the idea of a semi-steady relationship with a person outside the marriage. Emotionally it’s viewed as very risky, but honestly, if it’s that much of a risk, a couple shouldn’t even be thinking about doing this.
The reality is that a steady person or a small stable of reliable companions is not only less risky in terms of physical and health safety, but is much more rewarding in terms of an experience. Don’t fear intimacy with your boyfriend/girlfriend – it’s healthy, within limits, and adds tremendously to the experience for everyone involved.
Contributors: This article was researched and written by Umlindi, edited by Mistress Michelle and published by Umlindi.
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