As this year closes I look back on it and try to put it into words that can describe the absolutely amazing and heartbreaking times that have occurred. A year filled with some of the highest highs and lowest lows that i can remember. From perfect certainty to complete devastation and all of the emotions in between.
But one thing I can say with certainty is that I have found out more about myself this year than I ever would have imagined. Strange to think about looking back because I always considered myself very secure, insightful and compassionate like that rock that everyone reaches for when they slip but this rock has cracks and without the ground firmly cradling it there is a chance that the rock could crumble.
Yet through the hurricane of the year the rock remains, weathered and scarred but still cradled by what is left of the ground around me. Another year will come and the sun will shine bright again to warm my core. But enough of that, let’s focus on the lessons and what was learned from this experience.
Let me start from the beginning. My path led me to BDSM and kink a few years ago (yes, a late bloomer compared to many). After meeting many people and sharing stories and experiences I quickly realized that I had no idea what I had gotten myself into but was loving every new experience as it came.
I decided to explore a side of myself that I had never let anyone see or truly even acknowledge myself, my submissive side. As a natural leader and coming from a very testosterone based career I soon found out that this was something that would be more challenging for me than anything I had ever dreamed of before.
Letting down my walls and handing over control of so much of my life to another has been an internal battle for the history books but the rewards of finding someone to give those reigns to, worthy of holding them and trusting their judgment to guide me into the deep recesses of my mind has been the most unbelievable event of my life.
It has been a very rocky road at times, little bumps along the way similar to Mount Everest you could say. Yet I consider myself extremely grateful to have found someone who was willing and able to conquer these hurdles with me. And yes, many of them were of my own creation and lack of navigational skills down this crazy beautiful journey.
I definitely couldn’t have done it alone and will be eternally grateful for the guiding hand holding my leash tightly as i stumbled, providing enough slack to be able to look back and learn from my mistakes (eventually anyway) and when it got dark and i felt all was lost She provided a voice, the voice of an angel, to lead me back into the light.
One of the biggest things that I have learned this year is just how fantastically amazing a D/s relationship can be if both sides are willing to put in the work. Any relationship has its challenges but in this type of unique relationship there is a whole new level to it and it can balance out to an almost unreal existence.
The amount of trust and communication is still something that will randomly make me smile when I think about it and even with life throwing everything it has at you there is a bond that is woven delicately yet almost indescribably around this, much like the shibari that I have been attempting to learn, and that bond will hold you securely even when you are blown off your course merely suspending you until your feet touch the ground again.
There is also an immense amount of effort that goes into this and it can be quite emotional at times. Stripping away layers of protective walls to find the inner demons playing deep in the castle’s Dungeon and then allowing them to either be set free or blossom under a nurturing light is something that only looking back I can fully appreciate.
At the time I felt flawed, ashamed and found doubt in myself that I never dreamed was there. Of course I broke all the mirrors and fled from the light before being steadily led back into the sunlight and knelt before the replaced mirrors to embrace my perfect imperfections.
To all of this I owe Mistress more than I could ever possibly repay. She has earned my devotion, absolute trust and love, being the only person I will bow before. I should also mention some of the wonderful physical experiences that I may have skipped over all carefully orchestrated by Her hand.
This year was a first for me with sounding which is incredible! Anal orgasms and then brought slowly on to multiple orgasms. Mmmmm, such a delicious thing. A love for bondage and my first few suspensions as well as many wonderful ties. I can’t believe how at peace my mind and body feel in the soft unrelenting embrace of the rope.
I really could go on but my mind is now beginning to wander down some of the body shuddering experiences of the year and I should finish this with something more than twitching bliss. Thank you to Everyone whom has helped me over the year, been a shoulder to lean on or bounce ideas from, those that unknowingly helped by providing concepts and inspiration, others whom simply let me know that I wasn’t alone and most of all my amazing Mistress that has been a beacon of truth in my year of struggle.