BDSM Education Beginners Guides

Mutual Masturbation

Masturbation doesn’t vanish when you’re in a relationship. In fact, masturbation is a great way to understand exactly what you like, and to communicate it to a partner who’s watching you play. When each partner can see exactly what gets the other’s motor revving, cumming together (or separately) is much easier. Playing together can be an important component of sexual health.

Considering masturbation is typically a one-person thing, “mutual masturbation” might sound like an oxymoron, but it’s not. So, we’ll start with a definition: Mutual masturbation puts two (or more!) people having “solo” sex into the same room (or virtual session). It entails pleasuring oneself while your partner(s) pleasure themselves.

If you’ve heard of mutual masturbation but thought it entailed manually stimulating your partner while they manually stimulate you, that’s also not wrong. Mutual masturbation has two meanings, according to many.

If you’ve never tried mutual masturbation, there are a few reasons to incorporate it into your sex life.

  • To increase intimacy: Masturbating in front of someone else may feel extremely vulnerable, so it can serve as a way to build trust and intimacy into your sex life.
  • To learn about your partner: It can be hard to describe exactly what kind of sensations, pressure, and rhythm lead to pleasure for you. Showing your partner how you masturbate is the perfect way to teach them how you like to be stimulated.
  • To break the taboo: There can be shame and secrecy surrounding masturbation. Sharing masturbation with a partner you trust can help you feel more comfortable with both your partner and yourself.
  • To practice safer sex: Sexually transmitted infections can spread via bodily fluids (such as semen and vaginal fluids) during oral sex, anal penetration, or vaginal penetration. With mutual masturbation, there’s virtually no risk of passing STIs to your partner.
  • Exploring sex outside of penetration. Outercourse like mutual masturbation is a great option when intercourse or penis-in-vagina sex isn’t an option—after all, there are tons of ways to pleasure yourself and your partner without it.
  • Improved mood. It’s simple: Orgasms cause your brain to release a surge of endorphins, which make you feel good. There are so many benefits to masturbation, so when you mutually masturbate, you both get that release of endorphins and feel-good feeling together.

Tips for Better Mutual Masturbation

If you’re new to mutual masturbation, consider the following tips and techniques.

  • Set the scene: Light some candles, play some soft music and make sure you have plenty of lube accessible. If you plan to use sex toys, erotica, or porn, keep those on hand as well. Setting the mood in a way that makes you and your partner feel relaxed will help diminish any nervousness.
  • Try different positions: Like other sexual acts, mutual masturbation is highly adaptable. You can lie on your sides facing each other, or you can stand, sit, kneel—whatever makes you feel sexy. If other types of sexual stimulation are in the mix, stay close enough to your partner to stimulate their other erogenous zones, such as lips, breasts, ears, or nipples.
  • Masturbate as foreplay or as a finisher: Showing your partner what you can do on your own can serve as foreplay, leading to arousal and other types of sex. Mutual masturbation can also be a low-pressure way to reach orgasm together—or relax after more physically demanding positions. You can also use mutual masturbation as a way of taking a break if you or your partner feels overstimulated.
  • Take it slow: If you masturbate quickly when you’re on your own, try masturbating in slow-motion with your partner. Take time to enjoy the process, and experiment with new techniques in the comfortable, intimate atmosphere you create with your partner.
  • Communicate openly: Your partner and you may want to approach this experience differently, but that doesn’t limit the pleasure you can bring each other. All you have to do is talk about it openly. Sexual communication is the foundation for a pleasure-centred and fulfilling sex life, simply asking your partner if they’re interested in mutually masturbating is a great way to start.

For long-distance & virtual sex.

Virtual sex isn’t only for long-distance couples, anyone can try mutual masturbation via phone, video, or text. But whatever the reason you try this experience in the digital space, be mindful about privacy considerations and who may have access to any digital content you co-create.

You can maximise everyone’s pleasure during virtual mutual masturbation with a trusted partner (or partners) with these tips:

  • Use eye contact to connect. If you can manage to gaze at each other as you orgasm, even better.
  • Move your body sensually and in ways that flow with your pleasure.
  • Heavy breathing and vocalising pleasure can be really hot for people, especially in a virtual or phone context.
  • Don’t just focus on the genitals. Sex is a full-body experience, so practicing slow, sensual touch all around your body will wake up your nerves and heighten your sexual experience.
  • If you want to build up to mutual masturbation, consensually send erotic texts that allude to your upcoming sexual playtime.
  • Place your genitals directly over the camera to give your partner a full view of you pleasuring yourself. 
  •  Communicate! You can try to talk dirty or provide instruction to each other about what you want the other to do with their body.

Just because you can’t physically be with your partner doesn’t mean this sexual experience will lack pleasure, This is an opportunity to cultivate excitement and pleasure between you and your virtual partner. Take advantage and get creative. 


Here’s the consensus: Masturbation, whether solo or mutual, is great for anyone. Mutual masturbation is an incredibly intimate activity that lets you connect with your partner in a new way. Mutual masturbation can benefit anyone who is open and consenting to the experience. 

However, it’s up to the individuals to create a safe space for exploring this space and consent is a huge part of that. It’s important that consent is enthusiastically established.

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