In this second part of the Dom(me)’s Life two-part series on Kinky Goals and Resolutions, we’re looking ahead to the New Year. Here we’ll take our reflections from the past year (see part one of this series, if you haven’t already, for help on this), and we’ll use them to create meaningful protocols, goals &/or resolutions for the year ahead.
Are goals and resolutions the same thing?
Goals and resolutions are both similar in that they are forward-looking and can help motivate us to better ourselves. The major difference between the two is that Goals are more objective based with a definitive ending. Whereas resolutions are more ongoing without an end in sight, a change to your lifestyle like eating healthier for example.
Goals are best when they are as specific as possible. A well-written goal will set clear parameters of what you are looking to achieve with a specific result in mind. The numbers should never be arbitrary though; they should always be tailored to the person the goal is for. Goals need to be realistic, otherwise, you will get deflated during the journey to complete the said goal. Make sure the goal can have progression, because if you can complete steps along the way it will keep that motivation high, and you will see success.
Resolutions are usually a lifestyle change, which allows for them to be less specific. A resolution will usually target bad habits that you want to quit or things you wish to start doing. To do this effectively it requires a long-term commitment, hence why a lot of resolutions fail. The best way to avoid that failure is for it to be something you are passionate about and truly want. Don’t set extremely high expectations of yourself in the beginning, slip-ups and failures happen it’s how you move forward after them which will determine whether or not you will be successful.
Personal goals, kinky motivation
I think everyone has at some point in their lives tried to break a bad habit, quit something, made a goal, or even set a new year’s resolution to lose weight, eat healthier or exercise more. You give it your all for a couple of days, maybe make it week only to give up from frustration or lack of motivation. Unfortunately, this is a common problem. One reason people struggle is because it’s really hard to stay consistent when they don’t see immediate results from their behaviour change. Fortunately, there are a few simple ways to stick with your habits, goals, and tasks whatever they may be. Spice up your life, add a little kink, some naughty fun! Some people respond well to rewards, some find motivation in punishments, some rise to an added challenge. Find something that will really help motivate you to make positive changes.
Getting support & sticking to your plan
While you may not be an out and proud kinkster in every sphere of your life, it’s helpful to find at least one other person with whom you can share your goals and resolutions. The goal of this sharing is to get their support; they can cheer you on and celebrate with you when you succeed and be a sounding board if you come to challenges along the way. Try to choose someone who won’t judge you for what you have or haven’t done. And let them know what would be helpful to you from them with respect to your sharing. Would you like them to ask you how your goals/resolutions are going, or wait for you to bring it up?
It’s also a good idea to log your goals and resolutions in your journal (as mentioned in part one of this series). You can also make note in your journal of the reasons behind the goals and resolutions you chose and how you feel about these areas. You can periodically revisit your journal writings on these matters to help you stick to your plan as the year goes on.
Having something to look forward to makes it easier to stick with your new routine when you are feeling a lack of motivation. Reward yourself whenever you reach an important milestone or achieve a specific goal.
- go to an event
- have an orgasm
- buy a new toy
- have a special scene
- buy a kinky outfit or lingerie
- Plan a kinky weekend
The Additional Challenge
Adding a kinky element can make something challenging more tolerable or even fun.
- Butt plug yoga
- Planks with a vibrator strapped on
- Jumping jacks with nipple clamps
- Doing squats over your dildo or D-type.
- Body writing to track your water intake.
- Vacuum or dust wearing a maid’s outfit.
- Cooking a meal wearing just an apron.
- Folding laundry wearing lingerie.
- Walking/running with a plug or beads.
- Sleep in bondage.
Let’s face it, some people get off on being naughty or a little bratty. They need a punishment as a deterrent or as motivation to be a good boy/girl. One of the most effective punishment-based rules I gave was to a sub that didn’t drink enough water daily. This was causing him to feel fatigued, have headaches and be moody. He was to fill drink bottles with three litres of water every morning. Any water remaining at the end of the day was to be hung from his balls for five minutes. The more his balls ached each night the more water he drank.
- Slip up on your diet, 30 minutes figging should keep you on track
- Missed your workout, do the next three naked or in humiliating workout clothes
- Skipped your yoga routine, next weeks will all be done naked in front of a full-length mirror
Enforcement of Protocols
‘Using enforcement of protocols for the greater good’
Within a D/s relationship, protocols can be used to reinforce important and meaningful rituals for both parties. Protocols can be a way of submissive training or developing skills, they can be used to break bad habits, adjust behaviours and can also be effective in helping to reach personal or life goals. Everyone’s protocols vary and are unique to them. You can put any twist you desire to them. The only thing the Dominant must keep in mind is that He or She is responsible for reinforcing these Protocols.
If the Dominant isn’t willing to put the effort into upholding them, they shouldn’t be established as it’ll create bad habits in the submissive and make the submissive wonder at the level of dominance they are actually receiving. A submissive will often test their Dominant and purposely mix up the Protocols or perhaps not adhere to them to see if their “naughty” behaviour will be corrected. Generally, this test isn’t done out of childishness, disrespect, nor malicious intent but in an effort to reassure themselves that their Dominant values them enough to notice and care that they’re doing a good job in following the established Protocols and that the Dominant is willing to punish them when they’re not.
When protocols are taken seriously, valued and maintained correctly, they can lead to transformative results personally and with the relationship dynamic. Perhaps the most meaningful and best at nurturing a bond between Dominant and submissive is establishing and achieving life goals together.
Protocols, goals and resolutions belong in writing
Generally, goals would be best for the kinky matters that have deadlines attached to them (“I will write one piece of erotica each quarter of 2021”), or that involve something you can count (“I will try three new fetishes this year”). Resolutions would work better for the areas of your kinky lifestyle that involve shifts in your general approach to moving through the BDSM scene (“I want to show my submissive more patience when he asks me questions, I have answered already.”)
Whether you should write goals or resolutions, or both depends on you and what you want from your 2021. So, if your kinky reflections lead you mainly to want to buckle down on specific action items you can check off a list, you’ll probably want to write more goals for the new year. But if your main ideas about your new year tend to involve qualities you possess as a kinkster, then you are probably more in resolution territory.
Creating a working protocols document is important. By having your negotiated protocols documented there is no confusion as to what the protocol is, if it has a reward and most importantly the negotiated and agreed upon punishment is clear. Create a document that can be reviewed by both people, added to, adjusted, tweaked or even removing, a protocol if it just isn’t working for you both.
One word of caution as you write your protocols, goals &/or resolutions is to be careful not to overdo it. It’s easy to see a shiny new year and think we can do everything imaginable. Whichever suits you—goals, resolutions, or a mix—try to limit the total to a few that are realistic for you and truly motivate you in your kinky journey. If you breeze through them in just a few months, you can always return to this process again at that time. But it’s best not to bog yourself down with hopes that are set too high
These educational topics wouldn’t be possible without the hard work and dedication from our Dom(me)sLife contributors – Thank you MM