Alone with an orgasm
Recently I had the opportunity as a group task to attempt to orgasm through anal stimulation alone. Now when I say alone I am referring to completely alone both in other types of stimulation and physically being alone. Of course I have had plenty of orgasms by myself, stroking a quick one in the shower or enjoying a hot erotic read while keeping myself on edge for hours sometimes. Yet this act of intimacy, an anal orgasm, is something that I have only ever experienced and shared with Mistress. As silly as this may all sound to many just the thought of attempting to achieve this was not only extremely daunting but almost felt like cheating in a way.
Have you ever been alone for example and seen a gorgeous sunset or sunrise yet couldn’t share that brief moment of beauty with someone dear? The moment passes and is soon forgotten, that memory not holding enough emotional connection to create that lasting impactful memory. I guess that’s kind of how this felt for me.
Then the doubt crept in, stealthily attempting to take over. Could I even do this alone? Would it be what was desired? What if something I enjoy so much and is special to me was tarnished by a failed attempt? What about drop after (I almost always drop after an anal orgasm)? Would this potentially change something with things?
Slowly calming my mind was like fighting a wildfire with a bottle of water but it ever so slowly arrived at a peaceful destination. My biggest challenge with this is the right mindset and relaxing enough to allow my body to take over. Should be such a simple thing but for me completely letting go is not so simple.
Finally i had a few hours of freetime, quiet me time. As rare as this is i knew that I had to take advantage of it yet the desire to procrastinate hit hard, that subtle subconscious attempt to lose hope. I went to the bath and soaked in the hot water after cleaning myself, then shaved to heighten the sensations on my smooth body. Removing all doubt through some meditation in the bath i began to tease myself through slow light touches with my eyes closed, trying to tune my body in to the feelings that were being applied. Relaxed, clear headed and clean i exited the bath and gently put in my edge, one of my favorite toys and it touches all the right places. Settling onto the bed i focused solely on the pleasure washing over and through me,eyes closed in bliss. Not allowing any other thoughts into my head i tried to gently radiate those wonderful feelings, amplify them if you will. The pleasure built like a water balloon ever so slowly filling up but as it neared the end… it froze. Caught on the edge, something with this particular kink that I was extremely familiar with, almost always ending in frustration and defeat. Mistress could always show me the path over the edge so quickly, many times with only a word, but today I was alone.
Silently i rode that edge. Lol, yes multiple meanings there indeed! Instinctively i began troubleshooting, using past experiences to help with the roadblock that I was facing. Relax, trust, focus, breathe, and let go. I wasn’t letting go. Yet how do I let go with no one around. Wiping that last part from my mind i surrendered, letting go and falling headlong into the pleasure rippling through me. Eventually I did orgasm, once and no chance for multiples. It wasn’t in the cards that night.
Yet now i think about it and can’t quite put it to bed yet. I had achieved something that I had never been able to on my own, obviously only because of those amazing past experiences with Her tender guidance. Not only that but I had shared video of this with the group, something that I have never shared with others yet again. So in a way there is a sense of accomplishment, a small piece of self development and another step in being in tune with my body. The only problem is that now I have to sort through this emotional moment and try to file it somehow in my mind. Only I don’t know where to put it… it was a positive experience and I have no regret but it was so very different than what it normally is or can be.
So i will put it for now in the happy place in my mind. Very minimal drop was felt after, which was great. But in the end it feels less like a victory and more like a sunset alone, the gradual build followed by a brief moment of beauty and then darkness…